Past Za blogging endeavors III
In today's episode of past Za blogging, Pete describes his use of google and the words that google uses to discover his blog. The post seemed appropos given my use of Google caches to reclaim his comedy. [Once again, text is in the comments.]
posted by (d)avid at 11/19/2004 11:53:00 AM
1 Comments:
august 3 2000
doing what i do, at least what i do for a preponderance of my legitimate and reported income, i've come to rely on google, a small unassuming search engine that powers some of the larger portals that people generally use. the thing about google, though, is that i get to circumvent all the personal dating sservice ads and offers for ceramic figurines that yahoo (i know it's "yahoo!", but i can't bring myself to use a company's brand name if it includes punctuation or peculiar capitalization schemes. i'm this way with names, too. when i was in high school, i dated a girl named stefanie. not stephanie, stefanie. i didn't have the patience to subscribe to her parents' insistence on heterodox nomenclature, so whenever i wrote her a letter i began it with "dear harry." mollycoddling will only give us a nation of pudgy little mewling babies--which is fine for making baby powder and baby oil, but will never cultivate the sense of national entitlement that will help us defeat the swiss.) belches at me and instead dunk my well-groomed and masculine-yet-baby-soft hands into the warm viscuous pool that is the internet's immediately-trackable information. it still amazes me what i can grab in .07 seconds. in my mind, which is anything but tech-savvy, it's most easily comparable to putting a quarter in one of those graspy-metal-claw machines that drops its multijointed pincers down into the sea of small plush toys and plastic globes containing temporary tattoos of all your favorite wcw stars like hulk hogan, goldberg, and poorab the shopkeeper. instead of being a real grapsy-metal-claw machine, though, meaning that even after several minutes of grunting frustrating administrations on your part, it always grabs the "li'l hussy"-brand lipstick and mascara set instead of the cool "austin 3:16" novelty sunglasses, google is the equivalent of a graspy-metal-claw that dives down into the plush toys with an anthropomorphic sense of purpose and somehow comes out with salma hayek.
so, basically, i've been using it a lot at work. also, concomitantly, a lot of people have been using it and finding my site in the process. this type of traffic has picked up tenfold over the past couple of weeks and, strangly enough, seems to revolve around the growing interest in the phrase "brazilian bikini wax." i've also been lucky enough to attract people who are looking for information on:
transsexual hookers
mattel electronic football
bootyhole
jenna jameson movies
asian astronauts
narrow ass
alphanumeric t-shirts
centro-fly
ani defranco
super-hero costumes, and
subway frottage.
now, you may suspect that someone might be overjoyed to find a site including the word "bootyhole." they might, you may suspect, sit upright in their stained t-shirt, peer myopically through their tortoise-shell aviator frames, and thank the cruel and unyielding heavens that a site exists in the diffuse shapeless muddle of cyberspace that is willing to plumb the rhetorical ramifications of the "bootyhole." if they were to follow the links, though, they'd quickly realize that i'm less a fount of applicable information and nuanced exegesis than a bitter middle-aged man who has painstakingly constructed an elaborate illusion of youthful charisma and precocious intellect to disguise the fact that i'm 47 years old and still sweat every time a woman comes within 50 yards of me. living in manhattan, of course, means that i'm forced to change my clothes upwards of seven times a day. they call me sebaceous. also, i like american cheese and saltines. it's all i can eat, given my almost-visible halitosis.
oh, i can't maintain this charade. there are a few things in the above paragraph that just aren't true, and were strategically placed to elicit reader sympathy and perhaps naked photos. i'm not 47, and i don't sweat when a woman comes within 50 yards of me. the precocious intellect part is true, because i'm 11 years old and hairy as a lumberjack, but i do sweat a lot, mostly because of a mild glandular disorder rooted in my mother's callous use of turtleneck shirts when i was a wee lad. also, they don't call me "sebaceous." that was just a lie. i'd like it if they did, but then if someone had a lisp they'd just end up spitting all over me. "thabaythuth!" they'd yell amorously, "thabaythuth!" it's only amorous because they have a lisp. severe lispers, and no offense if you are one, freak, but severe lispers always sound like they're in hot pursuit of some toe-curlin' love.
to recap: the rhetorical ramifications of the "bootyhole." thabaythuth! thank you.
p.
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