Nursery School for the REALLY Gifted
[Note: A heavily edited version of this skit was performed during Basement Tapes in 1997. The audience laughed contrary to all expectations. The final version was a little snappier.]
Six primary characters: Rene Descartes, Gustav Hegel, David Hume,
Friedrick Nietzsche, Thomas Hobbes, and the Employee.
FN: Hey, Rene, isn't that your demon over there?
RD:Where?
TH: Leave him alone, Friedrick.
FN: What are you going to do about it, Thomas?
TH: I'll tell Ms. Doe.
FN: Well, she's not here now is she?
TH:Ms. Doe! Friedrick hit me!
FN: Shut up, you hypocritical fire hound!
RD: Well, you did hit him . . . and me too.
FN: And I'll do it again, if your demon doesn't get you first.
TH: Ms. Doe will establish order when she gets here.
FN: Why are you so keen on Ms. Doe?
TH: Are you kidding? Without Ms. Doe daycare would be poor, solitary, nasty, brutish, and short! We couldn't draw, paint, play games. We wouldn't have milk and cookies or dolls to play with. Who reads to us? Who drives us to the zoo? Do you think any of this would be possible without Ms. Doe?
FN: Yeah, but who makes all the stupid rules? She makes us takes naps, confines our freedom to act, we can't watch TV, and we all have to wear that stupid leash when we go out. That may be fine for the rabble, but it constrains real humans.
TH: It's a small price to pay. Besides, we all agreed to it.
FN: I didn't agree to anything. I didn't sign any sort of a contract. My parents brought me here!
DH: Yeah, but you don't really put up a fight when you come. It's a tradition or habit you've come to accept.
FN: Who's side are you on, David?
DH: I don't like to admit it, but I kind of agree with Thomas.
FN: Has that half‑dwarf, half‑mole been pouring lead in your ears? It's time. It's high time!
DH: High time for what?
FN: High time for me to kick your ass, David Hume!
MS: Friedrick Nietzsche, stop this instant! What have I told you about hitting?
FN: Children are innocent in their malice.
MS: Aren't you ashamed of your actions?
FN: I refused to be defined solely by my past actions.
MS: You're absolutely impossible to deal with, Friedrick.Hegel, what are you doing?
GH: (say random line from the Phenomenology of Spirit)
MS: What he'd say?
DH: I don't know. Friedrick is the only one who claims to understand him.
MS: What the hell is he doing? He alternates between obliterating the dump truck and trying to fix it frantically.
FN: He's trying to simultaneously preserve and destroy the dump truck.
MS: What kind of insane project is that? What does it even mean?
FN: It's really cool when it works.
GH: Behold!
FN: Aufheben!
MS: What is it?
GH: The essence of a dump truck! Dump truck as dump truck!
MS: But that's not a dump truck anymore.
GH: Exactly!
MS: I knew I should have taken the special ed job. Working with the gifted is easy, WHATEVER!
TH: Ms. Doe, Rene peed his pants!
MS: Rene, that's the third time this week!
DH: Only girls pee their pants.
RD: I'm not a girl!
FN: Then why do you have a girl's name, Rene?
TH: Aren't you going to protect him, Ms. Doe?
MS: Stop teasing, Rene, you two. And will you please be quiet, Thomas? I'm really getting sick of you constantly trying to win my favor. No one likes a sycophant. Rene, why do you keep peeing your pants?
RD: To prove I exist. I pee, therefore I am.
MS: Couldn't you prove you exist in the toilet?
TH: Don't be silly, Rene doesn't exist in the toilet!
DH: Rene, how do you know your demon didn't pee your pants for you?
RD: I think I peed, therefore I am.
FN: Well, I think you're an idiot, therefore you are an idiot.
MS: Friedrick, be good!
FN: Good means two different things to me and Rene.
TH: He's right, there is no greatest good.
FN: That's not what I mean, you simpleton, you fly in the marketplace, you ugliest man!
DH: Yeah, Fred meant that two people created by different experiences can't share the same concept of the term good.
FN: That's not what I meant either, you half‑hearted skeptic!
MS: Enough with this nonsense! Everyone shut up! You're driving me crazy!
DH: Yes, but how do you know that we're the cause of your trouble?
MS: David, you children are the cause of all my problems.
DH: Yes, but how do you know that?
MS: You really want to know? I'll tell you. I was a normal and happy person before I took this job. I could wake up without shivering, I could drive to work without dreaming of crashing into oncoming trucks.
DH: Sure, but how do you know we're the cause? It could be an infinite number of things. Maybe you're reacting poorly to a pollutant. Perhaps your psychological needs have changed. It could even be something completely random and unlikely. You can't know.
MS: MY LIFE USED TO BE NORMAL!
DH: But you have no guarantee it would have continued to be that way. The only reason you have to think that is past history, but you only trust past history is past history ‑‑ and that is no foundation for knowledge claims.
FN:
Six primary characters: Rene Descartes, Gustav Hegel, David Hume,
Friedrick Nietzsche, Thomas Hobbes, and the Employee.
FN: Hey, Rene, isn't that your demon over there?
RD:
TH: Leave him alone, Friedrick.
FN: What are you going to do about it, Thomas?
TH: I'll tell Ms. Doe.
FN: Well, she's not here now is she?
TH:
FN: Shut up, you hypocritical fire hound!
RD: Well, you did hit him . . . and me too.
FN: And I'll do it again, if your demon doesn't get you first.
TH: Ms. Doe will establish order when she gets here.
FN: Why are you so keen on Ms. Doe?
TH: Are you kidding? Without Ms. Doe daycare would be poor, solitary, nasty, brutish, and short! We couldn't draw, paint, play games. We wouldn't have milk and cookies or dolls to play with. Who reads to us? Who drives us to the zoo? Do you think any of this would be possible without Ms. Doe?
FN: Yeah, but who makes all the stupid rules? She makes us takes naps, confines our freedom to act, we can't watch TV, and we all have to wear that stupid leash when we go out. That may be fine for the rabble, but it constrains real humans.
TH: It's a small price to pay. Besides, we all agreed to it.
FN: I didn't agree to anything. I didn't sign any sort of a contract. My parents brought me here!
DH: Yeah, but you don't really put up a fight when you come. It's a tradition or habit you've come to accept.
FN: Who's side are you on, David?
DH: I don't like to admit it, but I kind of agree with Thomas.
FN: Has that half‑dwarf, half‑mole been pouring lead in your ears? It's time. It's high time!
DH: High time for what?
FN: High time for me to kick your ass, David Hume!
MS: Friedrick Nietzsche, stop this instant! What have I told you about hitting?
FN: Children are innocent in their malice.
MS: Aren't you ashamed of your actions?
FN: I refused to be defined solely by my past actions.
MS: You're absolutely impossible to deal with, Friedrick.
GH: (say random line from the Phenomenology of Spirit)
MS: What he'd say?
DH: I don't know. Friedrick is the only one who claims to understand him.
MS: What the hell is he doing? He alternates between obliterating the dump truck and trying to fix it frantically.
FN: He's trying to simultaneously preserve and destroy the dump truck.
MS: What kind of insane project is that? What does it even mean?
FN: It's really cool when it works.
GH: Behold!
FN: Aufheben!
MS: What is it?
GH: The essence of a dump truck! Dump truck as dump truck!
MS: But that's not a dump truck anymore.
GH: Exactly!
MS: I knew I should have taken the special ed job. Working with the gifted is easy, WHATEVER!
TH: Ms. Doe, Rene peed his pants!
MS: Rene, that's the third time this week!
DH: Only girls pee their pants.
RD: I'm not a girl!
FN: Then why do you have a girl's name, Rene?
TH: Aren't you going to protect him, Ms. Doe?
MS: Stop teasing, Rene, you two. And will you please be quiet, Thomas? I'm really getting sick of you constantly trying to win my favor. No one likes a sycophant. Rene, why do you keep peeing your pants?
RD: To prove I exist. I pee, therefore I am.
MS: Couldn't you prove you exist in the toilet?
TH: Don't be silly, Rene doesn't exist in the toilet!
DH: Rene, how do you know your demon didn't pee your pants for you?
RD: I think I peed, therefore I am.
FN: Well, I think you're an idiot, therefore you are an idiot.
MS: Friedrick, be good!
FN: Good means two different things to me and Rene.
TH: He's right, there is no greatest good.
FN: That's not what I mean, you simpleton, you fly in the marketplace, you ugliest man!
DH: Yeah, Fred meant that two people created by different experiences can't share the same concept of the term good.
FN: That's not what I meant either, you half‑hearted skeptic!
MS: Enough with this nonsense! Everyone shut up! You're driving me crazy!
DH: Yes, but how do you know that we're the cause of your trouble?
MS: David, you children are the cause of all my problems.
DH: Yes, but how do you know that?
MS: You really want to know? I'll tell you. I was a normal and happy person before I took this job. I could wake up without shivering, I could drive to work without dreaming of crashing into oncoming trucks.
DH: Sure, but how do you know we're the cause? It could be an infinite number of things. Maybe you're reacting poorly to a pollutant. Perhaps your psychological needs have changed. It could even be something completely random and unlikely. You can't know.
MS: MY LIFE USED TO BE NORMAL!
DH: But you have no guarantee it would have continued to be that way. The only reason you have to think that is past history, but you only trust past history is past history ‑‑ and that is no foundation for knowledge claims.
FN:
posted by (d)avid at 11/14/2004 01:53:00 PM
1 Comments:
See, now this is what I was talking about. How can anyone understand this if they're not in the middle of taking Philosophy 101?
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